A Change of Heart

As I've mentioned before, I've known the boything, Max, for some years and was aware that he had extremely strong feelings for me for over a year before I decided to give him a chance. Of course, the biggest reason I didn't want to date him sooner was simply because I didn't feel the same way about him. He's sweet and cute, he's smart, he's funny, but as far as appearances go he isn't really my type. (Yes, I'm that shallow--most people are.) And as smart as he is, he also doesn't technically have any more than an eighth grade education, which sometimes makes it hard to talk to him on the level I'd like to. He's a quick learner, though, and remembers most of what new information I give him. He also seemed to be moving a little quickly--he told me he loved me when I still told him I wasn't interested in dating him, and he later revealed that he felt that way just a few months after we met. Frankly that kind of shit scares me stupid and had he told me that when it started I would have dropped him immediately because I don't like it when people become that intense that quickly. This isn't his normal M/O, however. He was just as shocked as I was that I'd managed to circumvent all of his 'rules' about relationships, that he fell so hard so quickly, and is almost completely unable to control himself around me in a way he has never experienced with anyone else. I think it's flattering and cute now, but at the time I was a little overwhelmed and it was one of many things that sort of made me wary of him as a potential partner.

But he grew on me over time and I started to become very fond of him in spite (and sometimes because) of some of these things. And this happened well before I said I'd go out with him. For a long time I wasn't sure I wanted to give him a chance, because of another thing that differed between us that I didn't know if I could cope with. Or, more appropriately, without.

Max is monogamous. I am not.

I was pretty aware that if I started a relationship with him, I'd be in it for a very long time and he was much too monogamous to be into anything like the polyamory I prefer or even a threesome, putting us in the absurd position of a guy who didn't want a threesome and a girl who did. I am also for all intents and purposes, bisexual--I think 'pansexual' describes me better but that's neither here nor there--and being in a completely monogamous relationship with a man I'd be deprived of a large facet of my sexual identity, which I wasn't sure I could be okay with.

Eventually I did tell him all of this because I wanted to be upfront. Being with him would mean I couldn't be with anyone else, male or female, and I wasn't sure I was capable of being happy with a big chunk of my personality and sexuality essentially banned. Max was understandably upset but took it shockingly well; he figured something like that was going to hold me back and acknowledged that it could potentially present an insurmountable obstacle. While a fantasy threesome was nice, he couldn't entertain the notion of a threesome. He didn't think he could be in that situation, even though it wasn't 'cheating' and he was sort of intrigued/into/turned on by the whole thing. He wouldn't be able to have sex with another woman, he said.

So we stalemated for a while with that standing between us. And then I just went, fuck it. I really like this guy, I've grown really attached to him, he adores me and he treats me really well, and he's patient and kind and extremely understanding about all the problems that other people think are too much to deal with. I told him I couldn't promise it would be permanent, and that I wasn't sure if I could be happy in the long term restricted to one partner only and unable to express a big part of my identity. But I wanted to give it a go. The months came and went and I got even more attached. Just like the sappy girly-girl I never thought I was, I fell stupid in love with this man and decided that I could live without certain things in my life if it meant I could have him.

I'm an extremely flirtatious person and Max is totally okay with this. He really doesn't mind me flirting with or kissing or making gropes with other people. Especially girl-people. That he thinks is hot. Which was frustrating for me for a while because I knew he found the idea of me with another woman appealing but didn't want to actually do anything about it. Being able to get some of my sexual frustration out of my system by being openly hitting on and kissing and fondling other women--enough that I didn't feel trapped or deprived like I thought I might--was a lot easier to cope with. I could mess around with some other ladies, then go home with Max to get downright deviant. It's not sex with a woman or comparable to sex with a woman by any stretch of the imagination, but it worked for me.

Again, the guy is pretty sublimely accommodating when it comes to me. He's extremely easygoing in general, as am I, so things that are typically major no-nos in other people's relationships are totally unremarkable and acceptable in ours. He's genuinely not at all bothered by the fact that, yes, I make obvious sexual overtures with other people right in front of him. He doesn't care and isn't jealous. He knows I adore him, and at the end of the day knows who I'm going home with and who I'm going to bed with. So what does it matter what I do otherwise? I feel quite fortunate that he has this open, accepting attitude. It would be much too much for most other people to want to deal with in a partnership.

What's turned out to be a major perk on his end is the fact that my sexuality is more or less an iceberg--only a very small portion of it is actually visible, and most of it is hidden away and it's a lot more sizable and complicated than most people are aware. He knew pretty quickly after meeting me that I was most definitely into some kinky stuff (it's probably pretty obvious, especially at the MDRF in a setting where I am unusually open and uninhibited and extremely frisky), but as more and more has come out he's been frequently very surprised at just how much and how kinky it all was. Some of these aren't things you just dump on someone all at once when you get together and trust that they'll be able to sort it all out and make sense of it and accept all of it right away. So it comes out a little bit at a time--certain things I wanted to try, the BDSM thing, that I wanted him to wear a collar, that I wanted to have a go at him with a strap-on. Most of them he's been quite delighted with. Others he's said no to. Among the things to which the answer was 'no' was the idea of a threesome--me and him and another girl. I knew it going in, and while I might have sometimes felt like I was missing out, I never felt like a big part of myself was missing.

Sometimes I'd talk about things I wanted to do with other women, but for the most part I didn't because I knew it was just going to potentially frustrate me because I wasn't going to be able to do it. And anyway, we've got handcuffs and spreader bars to try.

A few days ago I was feeling tremendously frisky all day, which tends to manifest as dirty text messages and near pornographic phone calls or Skype calls. I'm not exactly squeamish when it comes to sex and sexuality--by now that should be pretty fucking clear--but when I'm feeling unusually horny and wound up and stuff I do tend to talk in a way I don't otherwise talk and about things I don't otherwise discuss. Sometimes I use words or slang terms I don't like or never use. Sometimes I do stuff (like masturbate loudly over the phone) I wouldn't do the rest of the time. Sometimes I express a desire for a sexual role or experience that I don't normally want. Like wanting to be the sub every now and then. By and large, I'm the dominant one in this relationship and he's totally cool with that--except sometimes I just really want to be held down and ravaged. He's even more totally cool with that. Fortunately, the days I feel a bit subby tend to coincide with the days he wakes up extremely sexually aggressive and wants to pin me down and fuck me raw.

Which is how I started talking about threesomes again. Because I know it's not something he'd actually want to do, I don't really mention it very much, but for whatever reason that day I just decided to plant filthy mental images in his head and talked about how badly I, say, wanted to watch him go down on another woman. Maybe while I was over her face and she was doing the same to me. The hypothetical scenario just snowballed from there until I'd expressed a desire for just about every single solitary conceivable configuration of the female/male/female threesome.

And my god, was he into it.

Once the fog of lust had cleared we talked about it seriously.

It turns out that Max was thinking about this for a while. Even though jealousy is not and hasn't been a feature in the relationship thus far (and it probably won't be), he said that his initial refusal of the whole 'threesome' thing was because he didn't know if he'd be all right with involving someone else sexually, knowing that I could equally develop feelings for another woman. Or really anyone else. That he really wanted to give it a go but felt like he shouldn't want to give it a go. All of which he acknowledged as being irrational. Part of it is that I think he's a lot more secure with me now than he was at first--we've been together a while, we're comfortable with each other, and we're aware that there are certain things that are and aren't likely or even possible for the other. At this point, he knows I love him to bits. I'm pretty stuck on him and wouldn't be tempted away just by bringing a cute girl into the bedroom every now and then. That I don't fall for people that easily and am not likely to do so just because I boinked someone.

Basically, he's had more or less a total change of heart. He said he had no reason not to try it at least once because he really did want to give it a go--just that he wasn't sure if the partnership could weather it or that he could sideline what he calls his 'morals' in order to do something he's been taught isn't okay but that he has no emotional or psychological objections to doing and really wants to try. I know that sounds weird, by the way.

A regular fixture of our relationship as a whole, romantic and sexual and platonic together, is that I keep breaking all his rules. He never moves as fast with women as he did with me; he has a lot more self-control, sexually and romantically, with everyone else than he's able to muster with me; things like 'puppy eyes' and kittenish seduction that girls often do to get reactions from men don't do anything for him and even though he thinks it's cute/sexy, it doesn't 'work' on him the way it does on others except when I do it. One of my favourite stories with this one in particular is about the day we met. He used to boast a bit that he had phenomenal self-control and to be honest, he really does. Just not with me. He said he was totally immune to every girl and woman's 'puppy eyes' face--as cute as they always were, he could still resist them. The girls in the group all confirmed that that was indeed the case.

Well, I can't let a challenge like that go. So I gave him my 'puppy eyes' and he immediately melted and was totally enchanted. We'd said just a few words to each other before then--one of the literal first things I ever did to him was break his rules. It set the tone for the relationship as it would later develop.

Anyway.

The conversation got all steamy again but actually stayed serious. We told each other what it was we wanted from this hypothetical threesome. What was expected, what would be okay, what would be unacceptable. A lot of it was stuff like, 'So Axiom, what if I do ABC while she does XYZ to you?' 'That would be awesome but if we position it a little differently, she can do XYZ to me while I do the same to her,' '...score!! If I was gonna have a threesome this is exactly the kind of stuff I would want to happen.'

It was great how easily and quickly all our expectations fell into place and lined up. We do get along pretty effortlessly and harmoniously most of the time. I know at this point I'm basically spoiled because this particular relationship is moving along so effortlessly. Hurdles will happen, but I dunno when or how I might deal with them. In the meantime, I'm just going to have crazy dirty sex with him and then fall asleep drooling on his back.

So, yeah. I just want to get the know any potential second woman before I say whether or not I'll be comfortable with her; I don't really mind being a sub but I don't want to be restrained in any way in this particular situation. Max said he's comfortable with me and this potential third partner doing whatever we like with one another, and with us doing anything we like with him, but that he wouldn't be able to have vaginal intercourse with her because he wouldn't be able to entirely circumvent his mental blocks. (He knows this is silly, as well, but it's a harmless hangup and I'm not at all bothered by it.)

Then the conversation turned into a sex log again and I spent the night with a hand in my pants on Skype with him.

Ultimately, I don't especially care one way or the other whether a threesome happens or not or how many times it happens. I'm hugely excited and happy and insanely aroused that he genuinely wants to do it, and isn't just putting up with the idea because he knows it'll make me happy. If that were the case, i wouldn't let him go any further. If we do do it, that's awesome!! If we don't, that's perfectly okay as well.

Because I love him, and he's a lot more important to me.

Would be all kind of hot if we did, though.