Thursday, May 17, 2012

Observed in the Wild: Douchebags

I am unbelievably fascinated by human psychology and sociology. How people react, to what, and when--and how I can manipulate the conditions. This is seriously fascinating and amazingly fun for me.

Which is why I maintain two dating website profiles despite having a boyfriend. It's a breeding ground for studies like that.

I get a lot of mail that's not especially noteworthy--cliche-ridden and poorly-written, but not really outstanding. Every now and then I get doozies. And dick pics. Because women totally dig it when you just whip it out randomly for no reason, guys! I read it on the intertube, so it must be true.

I only respond to messages when I feel like it and act like myself as often as I play an outrageous character. Just controlling the conditions, nothing more. I once spent a few weeks emailing a guy who was clearly into me (I'm reasonably good-looking and into video games, this is Geek Goddess Territory here), all the while making very clear but unspecific allusions to the fact that I might or might not have been a pre-op male-to-female transexual. I never said 'HEY I GOT A PENIS LAWL!!', but I mentioned 'transitioning', 'surgery', a messy break from family and friends over something they refused to accept about me, and so on. He didn't catch on for aaaaages. I'm pretty sure he eventually figured it out himself but he was OBLIVIOUS for AGES.

One thing I get every now and then is unsolicited phone numbers. I don't know why anyone would do this. Not only is it easily traceable, it's also a very effective tool for harassment and stalking. You don't know who you're talking to at first, in any situation--giving a total stranger your number offline or on is a Really Freaking Stupid Idea (TM) because that's information that can be used to invade your privacy and harass you.

Naturally I'd never do this, but I cannot resist dicking with people who are that desperate and that stupid. I discovered a website called ICantFindMyPhone.com which is a completely safe bot program into which you enter your phone number in order to locate it by sound when you've misplaced it. Since I lose my phone a minimum of all the fucking time, I found this website useful. It totally works, it doesn't sign you up for solicitor calls or spam or charge you or anything. All it does is dial the phone.

So whenever I get a phone number from a freakoid online, I plug it into ICFMP a bunch of times at extremely odd and inconvenient times. I did it just now. It's 3.15am on a weeknight. It's going to annoy the piss out of him.

Which just totally gladdens my empty, shriveled little black heart. Have fun getting phone calls, dumbfuck! It won't teach anybody a lesson, I don't think, but it sure makes me cackle like a crazy person over my silly and petty (but mostly harmless) revenge tactic.

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