Snap, Crackle---SHIT

So, I don't crack whips anymore.

Here's the thing. I used to do it all the time. I also used to wear a bandana all the time and wore the same one so often that the ends were frayed and I could basically snap it like a whip. No, seriously. It made a noise that stopped the fucking traffic in the halls of my 2000-student high school. I was a kid who wasn't especially threatening so I needed all the help I could get when it came to scaring the fuck out of people.

But, I don't do that anymore.

I used to do it all the time. I thought it was cool. (It more or less goes without saying that I have an extremely warped perception of what 'cool' is.) Then my brother brought home a whip.

No, this is not a dirty joke.

Anyway. I thought the whip was cool so I cracked it in the back yard. I failed. Really, really hard. I actually missed like no one's business and hit myself in the face. For those of you who don't know, the sound a whip makes is caused by the flagellum moving faster than the speed of sound--that crack is a sonic explosion. Which is why it's dangerous. I'm extremely lucky I didn't kill myself or put an eye out--I hit myself under my left eye and I'm insanely lucky I didn't even break skin. Scared the fuck out of me though.

Ow.

So, yeah. I don't snap whips anymore. Whips are insanely unwieldy, the shortest are six foot long and they go up to twelve. I'm five foot. That is not a great height for whips.

Also, my eye hurts like a bitch today. Too much rubbing. That's what SHE said.

And what.