I've been in fandom a long damn time. Probably longer than is acceptable. So I've read my share of Mary Sue stories. Mary Sues don't always follow a specific pattern but there are certain traits that writers tend to gravitate towards. They're things the (often very young) Suethors wish they had. Here's the thing. Not all of them are all that great. Some of them really suck. And I can tell you that from experience. So here's a list of traits that frequently pop up in Mary Sue stories that I also happen to have and know for a fact are not nearly as cool as people think they are.
1. Big Boobs. I used to be a D-cup from a combination of my birth control and being overweight with a very high body fat content. A lot of women have a D-cup, but on me it was fairly oversize because I'm not otherwise terribly big. I also know a lot of women with variously enormous gazongas. Some of them have needed surgery to reduce their breast size because it causes back and shoulder problems. No, seriously, it does. It's unbelievably painful. It's like walking around with twenty extra pounds or more hanging off your chest that you can never ever put down. Also, your tops have to all be way big because you need to accommodate your boobs and your bras are, of necessity, built like bridge trusses and have no consideration for aesthetics. Big boobs are nice, I guess, and sometimes I miss having a D-cup but I really like being able to buy tops that actually fit the rest of my body, and being able to have a conversation with people without them conspicuously not looking at my face.
2. Really Long Hair. Actually having superlong hair is quite nice. I wish I still had it. Mine used to be down to my thighs before I cut it up to my lower back and sold the thirteen inches I chopped for wig hair. (It was gas money.) Really long hair is low-maintenance and doesn't require much care. No, really, it doesn't. But Mary Sues tend to have superlong hair that their writers very clearly have no idea how to take care of. Hair that long can't be worn down very often. Braids and buns are your default hairstyles. You can't put hair that long in a ponytail and leave it. You shed all the time. Drying takes time. People bug you about donating or cutting it or ask you if you're a member of a cult. And you suffer from an unfortunate phenomena known in the long-haired community as 'butt floss'. I'll let you decide exactly what that means. It is precisely as bad as it sounds.
3. Clumsiness. You see this a lot because Sue writers feel that they should get points for making their characters have some flaw. But it's a superficial one. And clumsiness is usually the only 'fault'. Especially in the 'Twilight' series and everything that came after. Bella is so adorable-clumsy, she falls on everything!! Look, I am clumsy. I am the only person I know who can trip and fall walking across a perfectly clean and empty kitchen. Stairs are my enemy--I've gotten so bad around them that sometimes I get really nervous about climbing or descending and fall anyway because I've started to get all shaky. I've never met another person who can trip without even walking anywhere. This is not fun. It is not cute. I have learned to laugh at myself but it still embarrasses me when I fall off a step and have to grab for dear life to the guy in front of me and cling to him like a baby lemur and we haven't even technically met. This happens a lot. I wish it didn't. It doesn't make me look cute, it makes me look kind of pathetic.
4. Big Butts. I fucking hate my ass. Everyone else loves it but having a huge butt presents the same problems as having huge boobs, but lower down. My pants all have to be way too big in the waist and way too long to accommodate my ass. People stop and stare. Guys think they are being suave by telling me I have a 'badonkadonk'. People feel the need to quote 'Baby Got Back' at me. Any skirt I wear will be conspicuously shorter in the back because it has to climb over the tremendous mountainous summit of my ass and unless I pull it up higher in the front, the hem is three inches lower in the front than in the back. I am horribly self-conscious about it. Also, because it's so big, it has dimples. I really, really hate having a big butt.
5. Weird Eye Colour. My eyes are green and yellow. No lie, no exaggeration, no flagrant misinterpretation of my natural pigmentation. My eyes are green and yellow. People think I have contacts. Most are disinclined to believe they are real.
6. Low Self-Esteem. Mary Sues, despite being perfect, tend to have shitty self-images. This makes them cute and less perfect. And everyone reassures them. But it doesn't work this way. When you have low self-esteem, you will do anything anyone asks you in hopes they will accept you. You hate yourself unconditionally, which makes you extremely depressed and self-critical in ways that pretty well just cripple you.
7. Past Abuse. No. Just.... no. This is awful and in no way an attribute. My abuse wasn't even all that bad and it still basically destroyed me. I have no idea how to act like a person. I don't know how to control myself, or my temper, when I get angry because nobody around me ever did. I am myself predisposed to abusive tendencies and have to carefully watch myself. Believe me, this is a really shitty thing to put in your story and unless you handle it really maturely and sensitively, you are going to seriously upset some people because of the way you've written a very painful aspect of their reality.
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