MY List

So, what IS on my 'List of Traits I Like in a Mate'? They're not in any particular order, but here's a few I really like to see, along with why I like to see them:

1. Long hair. Men or women, I love long hair. It's not a prerequisite and my last fling was with a guy who actually looked way better with his post-Army buzz than long hair, but I love seeing people rockin' long locks. And it gives me something to pull. What...?

2. A very high tolerance for crazy. I'm not a well woman. I try my best to control my problems instead of letting them control me but most of my life is a compromise. Sometimes I'm okay. Sometimes I'm really NOT. I know it's a lot to deal with and a lot to ask but I really need someone close to me who ISN'T afraid of somebody who exhibits mood swings and tumultuous emotions. And can live with my drug problem. I can live with all these things--but I don't want to be with someone who can't.

3. Intellect. Mrrow. Talk science at me, baby. Actually I'm not all that smart and don't really like being talked at or down to by someone who's more intelligent than I am, but I like learning new shit and I like using more than just my tongue and girly bits in my interactions with people. You can only get so far talking about Eddie Izzard and Harry Potter. Talk nerdy to me. Teach me something. I love it. Then we can fuck.

4. Can take a joke. I have a horribly warped sense of humour. I make fun of everyone equally. I know that doesn't make my off-colour jokes any less off-colour but I never, ever mean any of them in malice. I just pull everyone down to the same level and make them subject to the same kind of sarcastically comedic social commentary that characterizes basically everything I ever say. If you really don't want me poking fun of something, I won't--but I will probably rip into you for the rest of your life if you wear pleather pants in public. And I will mention it in your obituary.

5. Patience. I have a lot of issues--mental, emotional, physical. It takes me a long time to get comfortable with new things and I fall back into hold habits really easily. Sometimes I balk at odd times and retreat. I get frustrated with myself because even I can tell it's a problem. Please don't be upset, and I understand if you get frustrated. But please be patient. I'll come around. It just takes me way longer to do it.

6. Light eyes. Yes, I'm shallow--no, I don't care that I am. I love, love, LOVE light-coloured eyes. I don't find black or brown unattractive, I'll just go for someone with light eyes over dark with all other things being equal. Green is my favourite. Purple and yellow if I can find them (contacts don't count!). Blue, grey. If there's a measurable difference between your iris and pupil colours, I'll love you forever. If you're heterochromatic, I might have my pants off before you even tell me your name. What? I like eyes. Not that I keep them in a jar or anything. That would be creepy.

7. Respect my beliefs. I don't really demand that the people in my life serve as an echo chamber for my own beliefs. You can believe anything you like. All I ask is you afford my beliefs with the same respect you demand I give yours. Don't expect me to give you a free pass on bad behaviour just because it's 'part of that belief system', either. You can call me out on mine if I do it. In fact, I encourage this. I don't want to be a jerk. (There are some things on which a difference in belief cannot be overlooked--misogyny, anti-choice, anti-science, or anything that completely denies rights or reality.)

8. Doesn't want kids. Or have them. Not everyone who HAS children WANTED them and I totally get that men have fewer birth control options than women (condoms, vasectomy... that's about it?), but you still have options. If you don't want kids, utilize them--or suffer the consequences. I don't want children. I don't want my own, I don't want to adopt, I don't want to be a step-parent, I don't want to be a 'cool aunt'. I don't even want to babysit. I know so little about childcare I only know if I'm holding a baby the right way up if it vomits on my shoulder. I dislike children intensely and have zero patience for the ignorance, naivete, neediness, and repetitiveness that characterize their little budding personalities. If you have them, fine. If you want them, fine. You just aren't going to get near my girly bits.

9. Situational maturity. Goodness knows I'm not a mature person--nobody who cracks jokes like I do could reasonably call themselves mature. Dave Barry said it best: "My life goal is continued immaturity followed by death." I don't think of things as being 'childish', but I do like quite a lot of things typically associated with children. Like cartoons and video games (even though adults play a lot of video games now), comics, stuffed animals, and taking approximately jack-shit seriously. HOWEVER. Sometimes you have to stop making jokes and take shit seriously because it's Srs Bsnss. When that happens I don't want to turn to lean on someone who's still making inappropriate jokes. You can lighten the mood later. Right now I need you to be a grown-up.

10. Can take a beating. Yeah, this one. It isn't as bad as it sounds! I'm not an abuser. I just happen to bite. Oh, and I'm pure and unadulterated dominance. I like being in charge. I can switch, certainly, and sometimes I like to hand over control to someone else, but most of the time I prefer to be the dom. I don't get my jollies from causing other people pain, either. I just happen to really like people who enjoy a little tooth-and-nail.

The last one is hard for people to understand. I'm not kinky. I'm not 'lifestyle'. I don't even consider myself part of the BDSM culture. I'm just... not into it as a wider subculture, you know? I like certain parts of it but have no desire to really immerse myself in it. I like certain aspects of other subcultures I don't want to immerse myself in, either--I don't want to be a hipster or a goth or anything else from which I borrow trends and clothing and music and books.

Having said that, I know the rules. I would never, ever in a million years hurt someone who didn't want me to hurt them. I've been with people who didn't like it. I don't bite them. I don't get off doing shit to people they don't enjoy. I'm not a control freak. Most of the rest of the time I'm pretty easygoing. Everybody in my life can do whatever the hell they want--have fun, be free, do what makes you happy! It's just this one part of me that likes to come out behind closed doors and completely dominate someone else.

If I was a proper domme, I'd probably be a decent one. In the end I know it comes down to trust. Someone trusts me enough to give me that kind of power, and I trust them enough to be completely honest with me. Assume nothing, and tell me what's okay and what isn't. Use your grownup words. No means NO and I back the fuck off--I confess I've never had a 'safeword' but I never ignore a 'no' or 'stop'. (I know why safewords exist but part of it seems a bit squicky to me--so you can scream and yell and shout 'no, stop!' without there actually being a problem? I can't do that. Even in play it feels so wrong. Actually, my ex-Army chap didn't usually say anything but we agreed that two taps on my head or shoulder or somewhere meant 'too much' if I was too rough. But you have to talk about that shit first.) If you use one of those words, everything stops--immediately, no questions asked. I will do only what I know is okay. Unless you tell me it's okay, I won't assume it is. All right? I'm not psychotic. Well, yes, I am, but I'm not that kind of psychotic. The discomfort of another person is not my ultimate goal and it never, ever should be.

The boything doesn't like being confined or tied down. So no handcuffs or anything. He panics if he gets tangled in a sheet in his sleep. But here's what confuses people: he would let me tie him down if I wanted. Because he trusts me enough to let me do something like that. I won't do it. I won't confine him because I can't do something I know he isn't already completely, totally, 100% comfortable doing. It seems extremely strange but to me it feels perfectly natural.

I have a weirdly large amount of appeal as a dominant. I really, honestly, genuinely don't look like I'm at all capable of exerting dominance over anything more imposing than a toy poodle. It isn't even possible for me to be anything but cute--I've literally worn horns and fangs without managing to scare anyone. I just don't think it's possible. I'm very small, painfully adorable, have big eyes and dimples, giggle a lot, bite my lip, and am generally very quiet, shy, and unassuming. Even people who have experience with it are surprised. I just really do not seem the part and I expect part of the appeal is that juxtaposition. I also happen to be quite a bit stronger than I appear and stronger than I even think I am. That Army guy? Was six and a half foot and weighed over 250 pounds. He couldn't hold me down even when he tried. The current boy can't either. He's built like an ox and about as strong and he still has to work at it. Not that it's easy to hold me down, anyway--I might like switching every now and then, but if you want to pin me then I'm gonna make you work for it.