STOP WEARING IT

I hate thong underwear. Not just on me personally, but I hate it on anybody.

No, this has nothing to do with thinking they're trashy or slutty or inappropriate or anything. Well, except inappropriate on children just because sexualized clothing on children is REALLY FUCKING DISTURBING AND WHY DON'T YOU HAVE A SEAT HERE AND TALK FOR A SECOND. (Schoolgirl and diaper fetishes notwithstanding, or any other fetish that sexualizes something typically only associated with children.) I don't like them. I don't think they look good. I don't think rompers or capri pants look good, either. More to the point, they don't look comfortable.

I hate them on men and women. I don't think it looks good. Yet every other woman in the world, it seems, at least owns thongs if she doesn't wear them constantly. Not to suggest I casually go looking for pictures of women in their underwear but this is the internet--women in their underwear comprise the bulk of what is not cat macros. And the overwhelming majority are wearing thongs.

Why is that comfortable? Don't tell me you prefer a thong because it's comfortable to have a fabric band wedged up your butt all day. Because it can't possibly be. I have a huge butt and if my underpants ride up it I can literally think of nothing else until I can duck somewhere private and correct the situation. Deliberately subjecting myself to that seems as ludicrous as deliberately subjecting myself to a papercut. IT IS NOT A PLEASANT EXPERIENCE SO WHY ARE YOU DOING IT AND PRETENDING IT DOESN'T BOTHER YOU?? And don't give me that shit about avoiding a panty line. Get some mesh knickers if it bothers you. You still get a fucking panty line with a thong, it's just in a different place.

One anecdote and a personal experience follow this.

I'm not exactly defiant by nature but I'm willfully oppositional enough that some of my preferences and quirks as an adult come from wanting to do things differently as a child. I wanted to be completely different from people I didn't like, chiefly my parents and mostly my mom, and so I do a lot of things just because they're opposite her choices. She has short hair, I have long hair; she wears pink, I hate it. I don't really like thongs on myself or anyone else and it would probably be that way no matter what because WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT TO YOURSELF, but it's possible a small part of it stems from the fact that my mother has always worn thong underwear. And the ENTIRE FUCKING NEIGHBOURHOOD knew this because she was in the habit of hanging them all up outside to dry where everybody could see them, sometimes from outer space. For many years--I swear this is true--the Google Maps aerial image of the house included my mother's underwear out to dry. I wish I was lying.

Walking through Washington once many years ago I found myself walking behind an otherwise very well-dressed, elegant-looking black woman obviously dressed for a very posh professional event. She was totally rockin' a coral pink cocktail dress and otherwise looked totally fabulous. Except that it was a very light shade of pink and she wasn't wearing a slip (or it had ridden up!) because walking behind her I could see... everything her thong didn't cover, which was everything. It was one of those situations where it's really awkward and you actually feel tremendous embarrassment on behalf of a total stranger. How the hell was an awkward teenager supposed to approach a career woman in the nation's capital and say something like, "UM, EXCUSE ME MA'AM, BUT YOU MIGHT WANNA PUT ON A PETTICOAT OR SOMETHING COZ FROM BACK HERE I CAN TOTES SEE THE TATTOO ON YOUR BUTT CHEEK." You can't. I don't know what would have been worse--her never realizing she had a problem, or seeing it in the bathroom mirror halfway through the event and having a nervous breakdown over it. Or maybe she did know and didn't care or wanted to show off the rose on her buttock. Damned if I know.