WHY GOD WHY??

Photos exist of my mother's senior prom--four girls, four dates, and eight getups preserved for posterity that I'm pretty sure today count as flagrant violations of the Geneva Convention.

My mom's dress didn't look too bad considering it was the 1970s, but since it was the 1970s the colour peach was very much in vogue so her dress was a peach chiffon--which wouldn't be as bad as it actually was if my mother was not of Italian descent and therefore very olive-skinned. The same cannot be said for her date standing behind her, who is sporting--and take notes because this is so perfectly 70s it should be a fucking stock photo--a powder-blue tuxedo with brown trim, an oversize bow-tie, and ruffled cravat. And horn-rimmed Buddy Holly glasses (this was before they were 'ironic' and cool and to be perfectly honest I don't think they're cool now and weren't even cool on Buddy Holly) and a mop-top hairdo that nicely showcased his early case of male-pattern baldness. He was also Irish and head to toe freckles which were all brought out in stunning detail by the baby blue tuxedo.

Another girl at the table with my mom and her date is wearing a light blue dress with long sheer sleeves and a big floppy hat. Another one of the guys was wearing a mint green tux with white trim.

This photo is ridiculous to the point of being a self-parody. And here's the thing: they are all immortalized in this photo looking like they feel like a zillion bucks. They thought they were STYLIN' and by the standards of the 70s they totally were.

Now is a good time to bring up that there was a girl in my year at high school known colloquially as 'Barbie' because she was blonde and wore pink all the time. Naturally her prom dress was pink. She also managed to bag a date willing to wear--and able to FIND--a baby pink tuxedo. This was unbelievably stupid back then, I can't imagine what this guy thinks of what he wore years down the line. I imagine he's entered the Federal Witness Protection program.

All this comes down to is a belief on my part that prom photos and homecoming photos exist for no other reason than to make you ashamed and embarrassed of how you used to dress. If you ever want to kill a couple of hours laughing, go look up 80s and 90s prom photos. It'd be time well spent.

There are no pictures that exist of my prom, mostly because I didn't even want to go at all and my mom MADE ME go. I hated it and got in trouble for hating it. (Don't ask me how that works because I have no fucking idea.) I was also at the tail end of my 'NO GIRLY SHIT' phase so I was awkwardly partially celebrating the fact that I was a girl and could wear girl clothes, and violently opposed to all things feminine. It was not a good look. It still isn't.

But hey, if pictures surface there's always Witness Protection.